How do you know if your therapist is good?

I had a meeting today, and we discussed what makes a good therapist? How do you know that the therapist you are seeing is good? As a psychologist, and as someone who is truly committed to good ethical empathic care, I hear this question often, and I also see the evidence repeatedly that there are therapists out there who may not take seriously enough the weight of their power. 

We need to assume that the majority of people who begin therapy are in a time of need.

Either they are in distress, or someone they love is in distress and they need to talk it through and feel balanced. The magnitude of that moment allows us to say that the individual seeking help is in a moment of vulnerability. They are looking for guidance and comfort, and the person they turn to will come with an expectation that this person is there to serve this need. They unconsciously believe that this person above all else will want to help them and hear them.

There are a few things that I believe can help you know if the person you are speaking with is the right fit for you. 

One.

You will not feel better after every session.

You will not feel “fixed or solved” right after seeing this person. Know that. Therapy is work. And work is complicated and has its ups and downs. But, along the way you tend to feel productive and as if something inside of you is shifting. Not every single week, but looking at it as a forest, it starts to feel fuller than when you began- you may not notice each individual tree as it emerges.

Two.

You feel this person is professional.

You may push back on their interpretations, or bridle at their truths, but you believe this person is trained and is hearing and seeing you in a real way. I read earlier today that the word “persona” is the Latin word for “mask”. In this context I would say that your therapist in a professional way is able to see through your personas, and identify you at the root of who you are- not the “persona” you have gotten used to showing the rest of the world.

Three.

Once you feel you are being seen in a professional ethical way, you must feel an incredible amount of compassion from this person.

You must feel that your real self is being treated with care, tenderness, and empathy. The sides of you that you have been so reluctant to share are finally being exposed and with some sunlight and water and nurture they are growing. You are slowly becoming more comfortable in your own skin, and the real you is getting bigger and more comfortable and the personas are becoming smaller and less frequent. 

Four.

You must feel that this person is on your team.

I often use sports analogies. I am an athlete and I live in a household of athletes. For me, the importance of teammates has never waivered. To feel that someone is holding the burden with you, and helping you navigate only to help you live a better life FOR YOU is critical. The life you live is yours not your therapists. You must feel that there is no judgement. You must feel that the team is helping you live your very own life, not an idealized life, or potentially the life that the therapist sees as ideal. 

I say often to my patients, you must wake up in your own skin every day, just as I wake up in mine. You must feel comfortable in that skin, my comfort is different than yours.

The Work is figuring out what feels good and comfortable FOR YOU and helping you get there.