We Cannot See What is Invisible.

The past few years have been ones of growth for me. Growing into my 40’s shedding the questioning and doing of my 30’s and the bewilderment of my 20’s. If I had to describe each era the 30’s are by far the most concrete in many ways. They are the decade of foundation.

Often, they are when children are born, we figure out where we are going to raise our families, we identify the path and trajectory of our career. They are physically hard- as the nuts and bolts of parenting and career building require actual construction not just mental agility.

And then the 40’s are upon us. The decade of fine tuning, of excelling, of working, of rising and falling, but if we have been diligent in our 30’s we limit the curveballs in our 40’s. 

But it turns out we are still just good old humans.

Recently I missed something, something in my world that was a curveball, a blindside. Something that felt very 30’s to me- something foundational. I said to my therapist- as I believe it is important for me to be doing my own work alongside my patients- how did I not see this? What was happening for me that I missed?

My life and career are staked on seeing. Seeing the underneath, looking past the words and identifying truth.

My therapist, whom I cherish, simply said, “we cannot see what is invisible”.

His words slowed me down. I flipped them around in my brain and let them drop down into my heart. I had been using my mind to understand it all. Examining my defenses; my rationalization, use of denial, and of course distraction. But I had not allowed myself the luxury of the option that sometimes things are simply unable to be seen.

It does not make us bad, or arrogant, or obtuse, or not wanting to see, I think it makes us human. Good old humans. Who cannot read minds or tea leaves, or are able to perceive everything happening at all times. We are not machines. We are made of flesh and blood, and have feelings and thoughts and distractions, and we are allowed sometimes to not see.

And sometimes for a while, things are invisible. This invisibility relates to so many things. Relationships, illness, work, family. You name it, there are things for a period of time that are invisible.

We tend to beat ourselves up for this. For not anticipating, or getting in front of it, or “seeing the signs”. This retroactive beating ourselves up compounds our pain and only re-opens the wound and trauma of the blindside. What humans must be better at is forgiving ourselves for sometimes not knowing and seeing.

We must embrace and understand that we are humans, and some things are invisible.

AND THEN we must deal. We cannot then turn the camera off and revert to before. We must face our new realities, cobbling the new pieces of strength and insight and understanding together, which in turns allows us to see, feel and empathize more. Forgiving ourselves is the first step to healing and resilience. Forgiving ourselves first for the innocence of our humanity. Then we can go about the business of learning from what is now visible.