Are You Really There for Me?

My work is filled with stories, meaning, and connections.

I had a session with a patient this week, where we managed to encapsulate her therapeutic “arc”. The narrative of her therapy journey. The space within her that she is always reconciling.

This voice emerges with those she cares for deeply and wants to feel their love- and be assured of their unwavering presence. It is the questioning- are you really there for me?

What if I show you the pieces of myself that I carry the most shame about?

What if I am weak, or sad or unreasonable or angry?

What if I need you too much?

Will you really be there for me in my hour of need?

It made me think about all of our arc’s. In therapy and in our relationships it is the theme that nips us in the heel and makes us question ourselves and triggers our self doubt.

In some ways it is similar to the archetypes, there are several arcs or themes that show up for people which are consistent.

They are mostly attached to feeling fear when we allow ourselves to want to trust that we can be cared for.

The acknowledgment that letting someone in is the goal for intimacy, but the fear connected to it is the potential for vulnerability.

That wary piece of us exists because our biology wants us to protect ourselves, but our humanity wants us to be seen and feel taken care of.

Over and over, we navigate this space. 

In my work, I am always saying- here it is again- it is just wearing a different outfit- or- if you don’t let them in, you will never know how this will ever be.

More and more we shroud ourselves in our protective armor, settling into having relationships with people that are “good enough” or have the mantra “I can do it myself”, or “I am fine with this amount of attention even though I crave more”.

Underneath our defenses, ALL human beings crave being seen and loved on the very deepest of levels. They want others to cherish their softness and be able to tend to the parts of themselves that they perceive to be weak. 

Strength truly lies in being able to display weakness and vulnerability.

When we can do that- and we are able to see who shows up for us, and takes care of us, and makes us feel like ourselves again- it means we have found the people we can let all the way in.

Those people are not cheerleaders; they are your truth-tellers. They are your comrades in life. 

What is your arc?

What theme shows up for you over and over again? What is the greatest interrupter of the relationship you truly want? How do you get in your own way of having the depth of intimacy you crave?

Identify it, see where it pops up- and then challenge it- try to do the opposite. Show softness when your instinct is to pull away and self-protect. Show compassion when your instinct is to get angry and defensive.

What have you got to lose? It could be that the greatest relationship of your life is simply waiting on the other side.