Grist For the Mill
I texted a close friend, saying, “Balance is on the horizon; I can feel it.”
It struck me that internal balance is our goal. We must connect to our individual sense of stability and agency. The world swirls. Change right now is fast and furious.
We must stay connected but not destabilized. We must listen without being caught up in the chaos and fear of the unknown.
I am doubling down on what I know. What gives me peace and solace.
I am giving myself experiences without questioning the consequences. I am working and writing because it gives me a sense of meaning and hope. I am giving my patients the opportunity for space if they want it.
Therapy is an incredible gift, but so is recognizing when you want a little time without it. Maybe you want a minute NOT to talk about your choices, worries, or dynamics.
You may want just to live and not think quite so intensely or reflectively about yourself. Sometimes, our energy moves to being external, not internal, where our interpersonal gymnastics fall softly out of focus.
Guess what? Sometimes that’s ok.
I know that ending with a therapist- or taking a break from therapy can feel scary. Initiating the conversation with your therapist can feel terrifying. The instinct is often to blow the relationship up completely to walk away. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Therapy should not be about building dependency and forging a relationship with someone you cannot live without. Therapy is about learning to live in a way that makes you feel more like you.
Healthy therapy may even require taking solo flights from time to time. Sometimes, taking a mindful pause from therapeutic work can allow us to see our lives with a new perspective and make decisions differently from what we have done in the past.
But don’t blow up the room.
If you feel worried or nervous to tell your therapist you want a break, remember that it is all part of the work. Maybe using your voice to express your needs is hard for you. Perhaps you fear they will be angry at you and won’t see you again when you call in 3 months and need a session. Work through your desire for a break with them, and make sure you know exactly what the break is for.
The questions to think about are these:
Are you leaving therapy because you don’t want to face something, and you know you have to talk about it if you stay?
Do you need a breather? Do you need time to let the work sit and settle in?
Do you want an opportunity to make decisions and not feel like you have to “talk it through first”?
Does something not feel right? Do you feel pressured or pushed to make choices you don't want to?
Do you feel you need to please your therapist or their approval?
Do you simply want some time?
Remember- there are times when you cannot imagine being without therapy and times when you just have no idea what you want to talk about.
There are moments when the room feels like a burden and times when it is a balm to our soul. Both of those experiences are real.
We are multidimensional beings- and all of the varied sides of you are essential. But you must have a therapist who can talk about all of it with you. One who can hear your need for a break and free you from believing you need to please them.
A good therapist can also challenge your desire to leave when it may be that you are on a path to self-destruct, self-sabotage, or avoid.
The ability to work through your desire and need for a break is part of this work. Therapy is not mandatory, and it is a choice.
In therapists' words, these complicated decisions and conversations are grist for the mill, meaning “something that can be used for a particular purpose.”
In the therapeutic world, this means that everything we do and every conversation we have is something we should use for ourselves. Living life is our grist, allowing it to churn through our minds and behavior is our mill, and the sifting out of our emotional experience is our reality.
But we must learn from our experiences. Don’t let the hard work of living be ignored.
Use it as fuel to make choices in the future that make you feel more like the person you want to be. Sometimes, we learn the most from the hardest decisions we make.
It is all Grist for the Mill.
Get to KnowDr. Danielle Shelov
Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.
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