New Year’s Intentions
I am away this week with my whole family. It is a big group. The other night, we were casually talking about New Year's resolutions. Who makes them, what are they etc.
I said, as I often do- I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I find them a bit of a set-up.
They are often focused on weight and health, and even more, can leave people feeling frustrated and demoralized as they start with a vengeance and then settle back into old patterns and old ways. Potentially more frustrated because now there is a sense of failure and “laziness”- or lack of discipline.
I think what I really mean by “not believing in resolutions” is that I am well aware that change takes time.
Forming new habits requires patience, repetition, failure, and self-correction. I have a gut instinct to reject any declaration of “now I will change” or “ From now on I will exercise 5x per week”.
But I also realized that saying that I don’t believe in resolutions is inaccurate.
I do believe in making decisions to make change. From the bottom of my heart, I believe humans are adaptable and capable. I know that our brains are plastic, and they can re-wire and re-fire and learn new patterns and learn to react differently in situations that they have habitually responded to in the same way over and over and over.
So, I have landed on the concept of New Year's Intentions.
I think that if we decide to change a piece of our habits and shift our lives to a place where we want to feel differently, we must allow ourselves to go through the stages of change.
The frameshift from resolution to intention allows us to try new things, better understand our behavior, and slowly, over time, evolve and transform our habits.
What does this look like? How do we do this?
Let’s break it down into 5 stages.
Recognition
Awareness
Conscious behavior change (actively not doing or actively doing what you normally would not)
Time
Unconscious new behaviors take hold
Step 1. Recognition.
The first thing to do is identify or recognize the pattern that we don’t like within ourselves. Think about something that you reflexively do that often causes you to end up feeling badly or frustrated.
It is probably a familiar pattern, one that may look unique but ultimately is the same behavior over and over.
For me, I know that I am constantly pushing to make things perfect.
Not in a traditional “perfection way”, but in an atmospheric way. I want people to feel good and enjoy their time. I feel personally responsible when someone is uncomfortable or unhappy. I try to curate experiences for maximum pleasure.
Yet, in being so worried about the group experience- I often lose sight of myself. I disconnect. I don’t focus on what I want or need until everyone else is cared for. But what I have come to realize is that this pattern does not serve anyone at all.
It doesn’t serve me, and it ultimately does not serve those around me. Because whether I like it or not, by skipping myself, a tiny sliver of resentment builds. An unnecessary burden on my shoulders is placed, yet it is a burden put there by me alone.
In my opinion, nobody likes a martyr. Least of all me. I don’t write thank you notes to get the thank you for the thank you note. I am very ready to let this piece go.
Step 2. Awareness.
Now that we know what we want to shift let’s become aware of when we do it.
In my example- when am I stretching to accommodate? When do I fall on the sword so others can have the experience I think they should have?
As we slow down and analyze this pattern- I am aware that I believe other peoples’ experiences should be dictated by them- not by me! We are all capable of creating our own experiences so in the words of brilliant Mel Robbin’s- Let Them.
Start to gather data about yourself. When do I invoke this pattern? What are the catalysts?
Over time, you will recognize that it is probably a defense inside you. Something that makes you uncomfortable.
This behavior that does not serve you was useful at some point, so do not get angry at yourself when you do it. Just notice it.
The goal of the awareness stage is expansiveness and building a path for change. To do this, we must become aware of when and how we slip into our old patterns. Stay vigilant to this awareness.
Step 3. Conscious Behavior Change
For me, when I feel myself neglecting what I want to do at a given moment, I stop. I “do the opposite”.
I am working towards taking care of myself first.
I am far more capable of caring for those I love without an experience of resentment. I actively push myself not to overthink. I stay present with myself.
If I get a flash of irritation or annoyance, that is a cue for me to stop. Check in with myself- and actively do something different. Even if it is not instinctive, I override that well-worn groove and push myself to shift.
I know that this old loop is powerful, and to change it I must methodically build a new one.
Step 4. Time
That is it. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
When my sons were learning to ski, I remember their instructor said to me that they just need runs under their legs, so this activity turns into muscle memory. Our brains are no different.
Change and new habits take time. Check the frustration and expectations at the door.
Give yourself time to build a new loop.
Step 5. Living The Change
Because our brains are plastic, change takes time- but new habits gradually become reflexive.
I explain it to my patients like a sled going down a hill. Once a track is laid, it is hard to get the sled out of the rut. But once you pick up the sled and walk to new terrain (conscious behavior change), you can lay down new tracks. This new active change will become reflexive.
It becomes a new normal, and ultimately a new reflexive unconscious habit.
So- back to our intention.
What are your “intentions” for this year?
How do these stages apply to you?
Most importantly- be gentle with yourself. We are all just human beings trying to live the best life we possibly can. Beating ourselves up simply doesn’t serve us. Treat yourself like you would your best friends.
Happy New Year friends- here is to 2025.
Get to KnowDr. Danielle Shelov
Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.
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