How Can We Make Holidays Less Hard?
What is it?
What gets everyone in a literal twist during the holidays?
People love them, they are filled with excitement and nostalgia, and ritual and family— BUT, as we therapists know- they are loaded with ambivalence.
The pits in the stomach, managing old feelings, remembering how complicated our old dynamics are, and why our families of origin strike old wounds. Too much alcohol, saying things that offend, feeling hurt and either overlooked or over-exposed.
All the things.
Yet like lemmings, year after year we return. Following old patterns, making sure grandma’s chocolate cake is perfectly replicated, and the radishes and shrimp cocktail are exactly so. Why do we do this? And should we?
I am a believer in ritual and generational family bonds. Families are hard, but I think one of the ways we can better endure and even build stronger families that maintain closeness from generation to generation is working hard on getting comfortable with who we are versus who we were.
I came across a recent statistic that 33% of adult siblings are either estranged or maintain very distant relationships. I hear it often in my work, “I don’t speak to my sister” or “my brother and I don’t see eye to eye”. This concept of family estrangement fills me with sadness.
I know that we cannot choose our families, and often our friends are referred to as our “chosen family,” but what if we were better able to view our families with less expectation and more acceptance?
This idea of who we are vs. who we were keeps coming back to me.
Throughout childhood we were all cast in some type of role. In our families perhaps we were “the black sheep”, “the golden boy”, or maybe “the athlete”. Whatever our role was, when we are young, we often do not challenge it. It weaves into our identity and helps form our relationship to ourselves.
But then we enter the real world.
We leave the nest and become adults.
We shed the skin of our younger selves, and perhaps that old identity no longer feels like us. Maybe it feels invalidating or demeaning. Perhaps it feels unattainable- and like we have let the world down?
Conflict often happens during holidays because we put on the outfit of these old roles the second we cross the threshold into our old lives and our younger selves.
The high school athlete, who has long since moved on, feels like they need to put on their varsity jacket when they show up for dinner. The elementary school introvert who is now in sales, grows quiet and reticent to participate- as they feel that familiar sense of voicelessness and struggle to contribute.
Contorting ourselves to fit into this old space and wearing an outfit that is no longer who we are is, simply put, an incredibly uncomfortable and false feeling.
So, I have words of guidance around these recurring family rituals. This is both lived experience, and years and years of working with people navigating complex family moments.
Do not shed the skin of who you are now. Your family and history can learn to know this new version of you.
This version of you is the person that you are.
It was informed by the younger you. If you show up only bringing in the person you used to be, you will be reluctant to go to these events. You will continue to feel unseen because you are not allowing the current version of you- that truly needs connection- to be seen and loved.
The thing about family, is that you have a shared history.
There is something sacred about having the same memories and having the same events influence your most formative years. Though the ultimate impact of shared experience may be different, this connection, in and of itself is something to be cherished.
But- in order to maintain connection- show up as you are.
Allow your family to meet and know this version of you. And- understand- that it may be tricky at first. People struggle with change. They may push back at you to wear that old outfit- the one they are used to- and are expecting. But try to weather the storm of their reaction as they get used to this version of you.
I guarantee that if you can tolerate the resistance to this change, you may find that your new skin truly has a home.
Let’s do our best to enjoy this holiday season. Let’s make sure we are wearing what we should be- not what we think others want to see..
What is your old role???
Get to KnowDr. Danielle Shelov
Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.
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