Would We Do it All Again?
I am in a time where my children are beginning to launch.
I have two teenage boys- and I continue to be heavily involved in who they are and what they do- but they need me in very different ways than they once did.
A few weeks ago- during one of my younger sons' games, someone asked “if you could do it all again would you? Start from the top and re-live this life”? That question has sat with me. Would you?
I think-as in so many things- the complexity of that is profound.
I am the person I am today because of those years of parenting. The love, the confusion, the focus, the exhaustion, the belief that certain things were so important and critical- which then ended up being totally un-important.
I learned how to be a grown-up by giving up my role as the person I worried about the most.
Parenting is one of the few things you cannot be prepared for, and the stakes feel incredibly high. Yet, living it and doing it is how you learn it. Your own lived experience is your teacher. Like a career that builds on itself, we learn a great deal from others along the way, but the lessons we learn from our own struggles and triumphs become a part of who we are.
These lessons actually shift the way we see the world and impact our confidence and belief in ourselves.
Here is where I landed- I wouldn’t do it over. In hindsight- of course I would want the wisdom I now have. The ability to know better what was important, the insight to not worry about certain things.
I would love to have the information that screens are dangerous- instead of having our children be the test generation of digital natives. Trying to undo that damage is far more difficult than preventing it (words of wisdom for those with younger children). But I know that this specific wisdom I now have is only gained through living it.
In many ways, parenting was created to build on itself.
Even pregnancy feels miraculous at the beginning, and by the end, you cannot wait to have the baby out in the world. Parenting is similar—you learn how to deal with bigger problems as they come; yes, they become more complex and harder.
Issues with older kids require thoughtfulness and experience instead of fortitude and physical endurance. The struggle and the figuring it all out is what got us to where we are today. What it feels like to me- if I went back and did it all again, is that I would be stopping the book I am reading. This book that I cannot put down, I would have to stop it mid-stride.
That being said- I feel the tug of nostalgia. It is a hard feeling for me.
I can be skilled at “not going there”, stopping myself from steeping in the sadness that change inevitably brings.
But I have learned that the best way to combat overwhelming nostalgia is by being present in our everyday lives. The more we are fully present and engaged in what is around us the passage of time becomes easier. The more we commit to taking in our moments as they happen in real time, the easier it is to let time pass- and look forward to the next phase.
My biggest regrets are when I was distracted, and not, (in the words of my boys) Locked In.
Wherever we are, whatever phase and whatever chapter of our lives we are in- let’s be in it. Our sheer, unadulterated presence is the most powerful thing we can do for ourselves.
Put our screens down, people.
Prioritize our human exchanges and feel the connection we can have when we are really feeling the relationships around us. The communities we have worked so hard to cultivate.
Trust that what we experience now informs our next moments.
When we move to the next chapter, know that you have lived this one to its fullest with the people in your life that you care about. You have shown up for every minute- good and bad- and made sure that the humans around us were our priority.
We don’t have to hit the re-do button with our kids because we have been there every step of the way- and don’t need to re-watch the show to catch up.
The best part is you can start to do this right away-and by the end of today you will feel a change. You will feel more connected, your brain will be quieter and you will have have more energy. That’s how quickly this can work.
Let’s Lock In.
Get to KnowDr. Danielle Shelov
Dr. Shelov's therapeutic approach emphasizes understanding individuals within the context of their families, childhood experiences, relationships, and larger systems as crucial to psychological treatment.
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